Some people think geography influences our approach. For instance, Jane Pauley, no shrinking lily, proudly touts her "Big Apple" assertiveness:

"New Yorkers, by reputation, are fast talking, assertive and easily annoyed; I fit right in."

Others observe gender differences. Buddy Hickey, a San Francisco sales executive feels that men are more likely to veer toward yelling or physical violence when they feel threatened, possibly as a throwback to their early participation in competitive sports, where the ONLY goal is to WIN. I suspect they fail to realize that trying to intimidate others illustrates that:

"The most destructive element in the human mind is fear. Fear creates aggressiveness."
- Dorothy Thompson

Buddy also notes that women may be more passive, or conciliatory, not expressing their true feelings until they erupt in a volcano of emotions.

"We are injured and hurt emotionally, not so much by other people and what they say and don't say, but by our own attitude and our own response."

The art of assertiveness really boils down to a sense of unshakable confidence in our personal values, sense of rightness, decisiveness and a healthy, unrepentant respect for ourselves. Martin Luther King prophesized that:

"The Negro will only be truly free when he reaches down to the inner depths of his own being and signs with the pen and ink of assertive selfhood his own emancipation proclamation."
He also urged, "Let's build bridges, not walls."

Aggressiveness, however, destroys bridges, sometimes beyond repair.

"The best defense against usurpatory government is an assertive citizenry."
- William F. Buckley

Leave it to the brilliant wordsmith William F. Buckley to use a word like "usurpatory", which I could not even find in the dictionary. But I know what usurp means and his variation of the word sounds sexier and fits perfectly.

If it matters, I really believe in the importance of this message. I personally lost out on a fortune in the corporate world because I had not yet learned the meaning and importance of being assertive for what you have earned and is rightfully yours. I see more people abused because of their own lack of assertiveness than for any other reason. We owe it TO OURSELVES to master this art. But it takes study and resolve:

"At sixteen, I was stupid, confused and indecisive. At twenty-five I was wise, self-confident, prepossessing and assertive. At forty-five I am stupid, confused, insecure and indecisive. Who would have supposed that maturity is only a short break in adolescence?"
- June Feiffer

The truth of the assertiveness - aggressiveness question is sometimes subjective and in the eyes of the beholder. Consider the following two statements made by opposing world leaders:

"The Vietnamese people deeply love independence, freedom and peace. But in the face of United States aggression they have risen up, united as one man."
- Ho Chi Minch

"Our purpose in Vietnam is to prevent the success of aggression. It is not conquest, it is not empire, it is not foreign bases, it is not domination. It is, simply put, just to prevent the forceful conquest of South Vietnam by North Vietnam.
- Lyndon B. Johnson

And so it goes. But is aggressiveness ever called for? Of course: war, sports, a hostile takeover, or the following example:

" Some of the traits that go into making a good reporter - aggressiveness, a certain sneakiness, a secretive nature, nosiness, the ability to take "no" with any sort of grace, a taste for go."
- Linda Ellerbee

The greatest management advice I ever received was from Henry Cheairs Hughes, Deputy Superintendent of the State of Tennessee Department of Mental Health, whose scholarship allowed me to go to attend graduate school at The University of Pittsburgh Graduate School of Public Health. In my new job as Superintendent of a large state hospital, I was bogged down trying to let a psychologist go, due to his persuasive argumentative skills. Mr. Hughes admonished me to:

“Give him your decision, the reasons for the decision, listen to him and then affirm your reasons for the decision. Repeat this process as many times as it takes, affirming, but never arguing your decision, for It has been made.”

This advice was golden and saw me through many difficult encounters. In the end:

"Assertiveness is not what you do, it is who you are."
- Shakti Gawain

Carpe diem
(Seize the day)